one of those days

So I am directly involving my audience in this post, which is a rare occurrence in this blog, but have you ever had one of those days that you're simply reminded of all the awful things you've done and mean things you've said, especially towards a loved one or just one you know that didn't deserve to be treated badly, but for whatever reason at the time, whether it be anger, frustration or exhaustion, you did treat them harshly, despite the fact whether or not they deserved it. That may sound redundant, but I'm simply trying to organize my thoughts in a manner in which they can be understood. I am having one of those days, and it all started when I got out of my car this morning and saw a brother and a sister who showed up in the same vehicle, not utter a word to each other and immediately split, not acknowledging each other the slightest bit. This made my a bit sad to see this, I mean I know not all siblings get along as well as my brothers and I do, but I can't fathom not walking in the school together, if we showed up in the same car that is. And seeing this lack of interaction between the two siblings made me think if I've ever been so mad at one of my brothers that I simply wouldn't walk with them or something, and at first, I thought I couldn't, but then, like I said, all the mean and awful things I've said or done to my brothers hit me significantly, like a dramatic blow, causing an ache to form in the pit of my stomach, and immediately wish I could take all the terrible things back.

Of course I know my brothers still love me and forgive me, but I've found it relatively difficult to get the heart twisting flash backs to settle. One that continues to linger is with my closest (in age) brother, when we were younger, I want to say elementary school, and I don't remember what the scenario was, but I was extremely upset with him. He must've done something that made me angry with him, because he was asking me for forgiveness, and I wish I could remember why, but I was so infuriated at the time and selfish that I told him I couldn't. He then started to cry, because his older sister wouldn't forgive him for his mistake. How dreadful of a feeling that must be?! To know you've done something wrong and desperately want to make things better and then be informed you can't, and to add being at a young age at this time.

That memory is one that I can only recall hurting my brother in such a way, and I don't remember why. Today my brother keeps to himself and doesn't share much nor does he show much emotion, and I know most guys are just like that, but I can't help to think that its partly because of the verbal abuse he received from his older, selfish and unforgiving sister. Now of course, I'm sure we worked things out because I remember my mother stepping in to the dispute and most likely coming to a conclusion which did lead to me accepting his apology, but it's the image of him breaking down in absolute hurt because of me that I can't seem to cope with.

However, as much as I wish I could, I can't go back and change things. And dwelling on the past isn't going to help me either, but I do hope that I can prevent myself from feeling this same sort of anguish by not repeating my history and learn from my mistakes.