the hardest thing

The hardest thing is holding back tears when you desperately want to release them. Its the idea that you have to remain strong, that you have to refuse to show any sign of weakness. Its a painful thing, emotionally and physically. Emotionally and physically because crying is the intense blow and the passionate attack of an overwhelming emotion. Its the force of which that has the ability to knock one off their feet, to make one drop to their knees in a state of utter debilitation. Its almost an asthmatic sensation; sending the body all the clear signs of something that is wrong. It is a physical state that is equivalent of being ill. The almost unbearable choking and the closing of ones throat, like it suddenly has become very dry and swollen and even the tiniest breath is an excruciating contraction that pierces and makes even the toughest nerves defenseless against the pain. It seems to be easier to just hold ones breath, and in doing so one suddenly becomes light headed and unable to feel the pain because of the lack of oxygen getting to ones brain and with that last pleasant and painless thought one reaches a state of unconsciousness. Which immediately becomes reasonable solution, yet, limited. Limited because one cannot simply pass out instead of crying. Limited because that is avoiding the problem rather then facing it. Limited because quite frankly, it is not healthy. So one results to other things. Things that makes one feel numb, that dulls the pain to the point of bearable which happen to be just as unhealthy and avoiding. Yet nothing feels comforting, nothing is found to be capable of be ridding the deploring feelings. Its an infection that slowly and fiercely dissipates through out ones system, it consumes one in the absolute misery and one finds them self unable to function, unable to exist in a blithe state. Not only have the heart strings been pulled, but they've been tugged, yanked, jerked aggressively and abused to the point of distortion. They are snapped and frayed, just as a string of twine would be; impossible to repair back to perfection. One can still try to fight the action of crying its self, but the tears, the tears are able to creep past the strength, to slip by and steadily fall. Holding back is no longer obtainable and one gives in, letting them self be devoured by the hurt, the hurt that had been bottled up so tightly that it can only rush out, uncontrollable and truculent, making ones body heave violent hiccups, in attempt to liberate all the repulsive feelings in a rapid manner. The feeling is one of pure exhaustion once it is all over, it makes one feel anemic and pray that the circuit doesn't reoccur, that it won't be triggered by any characteristic to start the cycle over again.

Crying is the hardest thing to cope with. Though it certainly can display more rather then sheer anguish. Such as feeling out right frustration or genuine happiness generates tears. However, no version of crying is comparable to the one of feeling in utter peril.