defeat.

Nothing makes you second guess every little thing you've done in your life like having a loved one commit suicide. You rewind and replay every encounter you've ever had with them. You remember the fights but not what was so important to be mad about. You remember the conversations and wonder if they were always about you. Did they ever trying reaching out to you? Or were you too self centered to know? What was so important about your life that made you oblivious to their pain? You keep replaying and replaying every encounter, as far back as you can remember. When did it start? When did the darkness start creeping and finally take over? How does someone miss that? You tell yourself if you only knew, it wouldn't have happened, but could you really do anything about it? Or is it like a switch? And once their mind is made up there is no getting around it. We've all been down at times, but what was so intense about their life that they just decided to end it? What was it that sent them over the edge? To the point that they officially decided this life was not worth living?

Suicide is by far the most selfish act one can commit, is it not? The only person they're thinking about is them self at that time, they're consumed with only the notion what they want. How do they not realize they're causing pain for so many others by such a thing? What makes them think that everyone else wants them gone just as bad as they do? It's heartbreaking, it's insulting, it's confusing. You ask yourself what form expression were you failing to provide them, what were they missing and confirmed they were unable to obtain it, were they looking to you the whole time to step up and see what they were feeling? If so, why did they give up on you?