Heartbroken.

I am crushed.
Completely broken.
What stability I did have has now been obliterated and it feels as there is no fixing me.
It seems there is no use in even attempting to.
That's not how it's supposed to be though.
I am supposed to be tough, strong, maybe even hard.
But that protects me, well supposed to.
This just confirms that I am destined to be alone.

rattled.

How does one distinguish modesty from low self esteem?
It seems to be a concept I can't grasp. Or perhaps it's my delivery, I can feel perfectly confident and at ease until someone comes up and tells me to gain some confidence. When one feels like they are already doing so, where do they go after a comment like that? For me it is clear in the other direction, paranoia and the undeniable feeling of failure strike. Confidence turns into concern and worry and then desperation, the need to look confident become more apparent and in return just making the individual appear to have less and less pride in their impression of them self. Where does one go from there?

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well.

irksome.

IT IS A SHITTY SITUATION to see your ex boyfriend is now hanging out with a girl who seems 10 times cooler then you and who is also amzingly gorgeous, with out make up. I think it is quite literally impossible to completely get over someone who was close to you at one point in your life, well impossible for me anyway, considering there is only a few I let get close enough to me to truly mean anything. They say time heals all wounds, but sometimes I find it's the opposite, time wounds all heals. Think about it.

VOID THIS. To feel like you're not over someone is an error within ones self. It means you aren't settled within and you seem to think that other person filled a gap. They filled no gap, they merely created the illusion that a part of you is gone once they are. You were completely content without that person, and you are even better without them. They did not leave a hole, but rather room to breath because they wedged them self in in the first place. Just because you chose to cram things together to make them fit does not mean they left a gaping hole once gone. I am happy to say I now know it is NOT impossible to get over someone.

Exasperated.

I have come to the conclusion that I am destined to be alone. I can’t stand people, not the same ones in large doses anyways. I am impatient, practically OCD and potentially a bit bipolar. It’s inevitable that I am not meant to be with people. I imagine that I will grow old in an amazing flat in downtown somewhere, have a physically fabulous life style, but not have any one but my loyal dog(s) to keep me company and my bed warm at night. I won’t have anyone to worry about except for myself, excluding my family members and more of acquaintances then friends to splurge on during the holidays. That is one thing I do enjoy doing, is buying people gifts, if I have the money that is. It is just so exciting to be out window shopping and then find something that suits someone you know perfectly, it’s a good feeling, it really is.

Write what you feel, don't lie

Well college feels as though it is just around the corner and quite honestly, I'm freaking out a bit. It feels as though I have made zero decisions to even help narrow down my path for the future and therefore I feel as though I'm going in circles rather then forward. But I do realize one thing, I want to become a better writer. Not because I necessarily will have that be my profession in the future, but I think being a strong writer could be quite the asset. Which lead to why I am deciding to post something up in my blog, willingly I might add, after nearly a year of neglecting it. I am going to just write and write and write until I actually feel I have achieved something of it. I once had a language arts teacher tell me that the only way to become a writer is to simply just do it. So that’s what I am doing, just doing it.

I really don’t know what I wish to do with my future, but after doing a bit of research, public relations and communication seem interesting. After all, if there is one thing I can do, its talking. Now don’t be fooled I realize there is more to it then that, but you catch my drift, hopefully.

Something I cant seem to wrap my head around is how people my age, even younger, seem to know exactly what they want to do with their life, what they want out of it. I, do not. I once contemplated just going out and exploring the world and then later becoming a teacher, that way I would be the teacher with all the cool stories. So I supposed I always have that option.

How do people decide what they want to do anyway? I wonder if most are driven by the passion they have for something, or the fact that society says they are a loser if they don't get out and have a respectable job title. Seriously, how many do you know that would accept the response of "I just do my own thing" as a desirable job title from someone they were on a blind date with. I suppose there are a handful that do find that attractive, but just like society, I'm only paying attention to the majority.

"When considering subject matter for your poetry, try to confine your main subjects to the following list: Rutabagas, Lemon Curry, Earthquakes, Tetrahedrons, The end of the world, The Donatist controversy, Particle/wave theory of light, Transverse myletis, Rogue elephants. Avoid the following subjects: Emotions, Personal journeys, Nature, Chicken Curry."
^^Is this supposed to be sarcasm??

It seems like every time something new comes out in the news, whether it's some miracle food, or the easiest way to save money, something comes out to contradict it less than a week later. What I want to know is how much the studies and things that go down really have an affect on us. Like scientists saying large levels of mercury are found in tuna so you really should only eat it once a month, how many other facts do you think contradict that?

putting age in perspective

Isn’t it kind of funny-interesting to picture our grandparents even our parents at our age? To imagine how different life was for them compared to how it is now. And then to even imagine what life is going to be like for our own kids and grandkids. I find it mind blowing on how much can change in a single year, and how fast time goes all together.

I personally have no idea what the youth is going to look like in 20 years. Some may think it’ll go all to hell and that they will have little to no morals or values, because we’re seeing that at an increasing rate today. But maybe the awareness of what is going on will spread and have the opposite effect, making everyone perfect and respecting little beings. I would personally prefer that, but I’m thinking the likeliness of that happening is pretty slim.

What is to become of future generations? I know there is the whole global warming theory and the hum of nuclear war (a very faint hum I might add.) But what will it look like? What kind of music will be coming out in 20 years? It is so weird to think that artists like Chris Brown and Rhianna are going to be considered oldies when my generation has children. What will they call what we consider as oldies now? Will the Temptations even be spoken of or in movies or commercials in 20 years? They will be considered practically ancient by then.

Then there’s fashion! What will be considered hip in 20 years? Right now it seems like nearly anything goes, it’s just how you wear it. Trends from all time eras are inspiring top designers’ newest fashion, will that just continue? Will there come a point in time when nothing is original? When it seems like just about every plausible idea has already been done and then there is no longer any creativity? And then musicians, will they really need any actual personal talent? Or just enough money to pay for all the electronics that generate their sound? Will raw talent even be admired after people see computers can do the same thing at the click of a button?

I know this is all relatively extreme, well, really extreme, but I can’t help but wonder about it. And I’m sure I am not the only to ponder such, which also happens to support the no longer any original ideas theory. But I do think that a vast amount of time will make such happen. Twenty, even fifty years sounds too short to me.