Sucker For Sinatra

I seriously crush so easily. Little quirks, a sweet smile, pretty eyes, I become infatuated. I like to think it is because I find the best in everyone, or perhaps I just have raging hormones, but I fall easily. However, despite how many individuals I am attracted to, I seldom pursue, and I prefer it that way. Crushes are perfect, you get to admire from afar, sometimes even interact, but there is no pressure, there is no expectations, no disappointments. You get to allow yourself to be smitten without the assumptions of how "things should go". Ideally, the other party is clueless of your crush and you simply get to marvel at their existence. Sometimes there is a sliver of sexual tension but it stops at just that.

What is the point of taking things further? If you have pleasant feelings towards someone, why would you want to change that by attempting "something more"?

Some argue it is a shot a happiness, but frankly, you already seem to be happy, no? How different would things be if no one committed fully to anyone, and we all just had our secret crushes that we would flirt with and be content with that and nothing else? Clearly some individuals are more ambitious than others and because of that I do not find they would be content. Honestly, there are some instances that I find ambition is confused with selfishness, but that is for another post.

It could not be more obvious that only someone who is not in love nor seriously dating would write a post such as this. But I am satisfied. I have my fun flirting, I do my occasional day dreaming, and it comes to a resounding halt after that. I can appreciate a beautiful person without any guilt that I am "cheating" on my partner. (The reason for having the term cheating in quotes is due to the idea that many have different interpretations of just what it is.) I have no shame in admiring a nice body, or acknowledging ones intelligence, or appreciating ones sense of humor. The idea of embarrassment or screwing up disintegrates because honestly I am not concerned with how they feel about me, only how I feel when I am around them or think about them.

Yes, this may come off as selfish. Perhaps it is nothing more than that. Yet, as I mentioned before, I enjoy it, and to be frank, is flirting not one of the greatest forms of flattery? I get a high off complimenting someone with a smile and they get the ego boost.

What I find wonderfully unique about a crush is there is a great chance that no interaction has to occur in order for a crush to take place. I can see an individual in public, be attracted to their attire, notice their politeness, and then all of a sudden, I find myself charmed by this complete stranger I know nothing of. Or minimal action can occur and it can still seem just as wonderful. Have you ever had an attractive barista whom you had an intelligent 90 second conversation with? A waitress who made you laugh and happened to be witty? A professors whose perspective on life and intelligence you were simply intoxicated by?

Of course these are all situations in which you would not pursue the other individual. That is what makes the interaction so great. You know you don't have to see them again, and maybe they were just good at their job, but it worked! You obtained a chipper attitude from that short interaction, They may have actually even enjoyed your company as well. In a sense, you know it would "never happen" so you take advantage of the moment and just roll with it. Carpe diem, some may say, (I may be the only one to use that towards the concept of flirting), but in the word of Hamlet, "To be or not to be" and that is in the sense of whether or not to enjoy your crushes, and be a charmer. If you are clueless on all of this I am sincerely sorry for you and hope you try flirting with a stranger the next time you get a chance. You will find that the stranger you had minimal contact with will indeed make you happier than that person you dated for two years. This is because you know no bad things of the person, they have not made you angry, you have not made mistakes in front of them, there is a chance you only get to experience each other's best side and it is terrific.

I am perfectly aware that "love" happens by appreciating and working through the worst. Yet, I am not interested in the time being of such things. Perfectly capable of crushing, not so much on falling in love. I may be slightly bitter, I am not in denial of that. "Love" has let me down, crushes, however, have not. Please continue with your facebook posts consisting of how this person "completes you" and how you have "no idea where you would be without your other half" I am going to stick to my minimal commitment, no interaction, flirtatious, crushes, and you endure true love forever.

That escalated quickly. Really, I just crush on a lot of people, and it is always in good intentions. My Frank Sinarta playlist is over and my bottle of wine is empty, I would say it is time to call it a night.


This is a somewhat controversial topic, and I love hearing other opinions.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2N1Fg0tJoA

defeat.

Nothing makes you second guess every little thing you've done in your life like having a loved one commit suicide. You rewind and replay every encounter you've ever had with them. You remember the fights but not what was so important to be mad about. You remember the conversations and wonder if they were always about you. Did they ever trying reaching out to you? Or were you too self centered to know? What was so important about your life that made you oblivious to their pain? You keep replaying and replaying every encounter, as far back as you can remember. When did it start? When did the darkness start creeping and finally take over? How does someone miss that? You tell yourself if you only knew, it wouldn't have happened, but could you really do anything about it? Or is it like a switch? And once their mind is made up there is no getting around it. We've all been down at times, but what was so intense about their life that they just decided to end it? What was it that sent them over the edge? To the point that they officially decided this life was not worth living?

Suicide is by far the most selfish act one can commit, is it not? The only person they're thinking about is them self at that time, they're consumed with only the notion what they want. How do they not realize they're causing pain for so many others by such a thing? What makes them think that everyone else wants them gone just as bad as they do? It's heartbreaking, it's insulting, it's confusing. You ask yourself what form expression were you failing to provide them, what were they missing and confirmed they were unable to obtain it, were they looking to you the whole time to step up and see what they were feeling? If so, why did they give up on you?

Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things.

-T.S. Eliot 


Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
-Ernest Hemingway

I honestly believe there is no truer saying than ignorance is bliss. 

Society is kind of twisted when a guy is friendly to a girl and her first instinct is "creep". But that's how it is. Our culture has some how mutated to the point that friendly is no longer the norm, and what isn't norm is like, creepy. I'm guilty of this. I don't know how to react sometimes when a guy is friendly, whether he's physically attractive or not, friendly can just seem creepy. It's almost like the jerks seem easier to approach than someone who is super friendly. Now nice is different. For some reason nice doesn't seem creepy like friendly is. What the exact distinction between the two is... quite frankly I haven't a clue.
It is a very fine line that is nearly impossible to define. I can imagine this puts guy into some distress. If they want the attention of a girl, they don't know how to act around her. If he's a jerk, most likely she won't be interested in him. If he's friendly, he's going to creep her out and just make her run in the complete opposite direction. He can try being nice, but being nice can imply he isn't interested in her, like interested in her, and in return she will put him in the friend zone. My advice? Just quite while you're behind.

I feel bad for the fellas, I really do.

Being able to interact with the opposite sex seems like it has to be a natural ability. One either has it or they don't.

And now the wall goes up.

What do you do when your world has been turned upside down and the one you would usually go to, the one who would fix it and let you know everything is going to be ok, is the one who in fact, turned your world upside down?

And the sickest thing about the situation is that I love/loved (is there a difference?) him so much that I'm glad I am the one suffering with this heart break. I would never wish this kind of pain upon him. Ironically enough my silver lining is that it is me having to deal with this, not him.

Chocolate is the best medicine

Relationships can make you the happiest individual in the world, or the most miserable. It all depends on the status you have with that person. And when the status seems to go sour, that can make one absolutely hate life. It's hardest when things use to be so perfect. How does it happen that feelings change? That relationships grow apart? What causes that all to happen? Or what causes one person in the relationship's status to change from the others'? Why can't both be consistent and in sync? How can one say that they care about the other but have their actions show no such thing? Why is it so difficult to be straight forward and honest? How can one seem so great to the other and then all of sudden seem drab and dull? Is it because they have met someone else? What if they haven't? Then what is the answer? How can one continue to be so selfish when they see the other is bending backwards to try and maintain the relationship during difficult times? It's a team effort, right? And yet, how can one be too busy to try and explain what they mean when they say "It just doesn't seem to be working"?  So what does that mean? How can it be so difficult to simply say whether it is or is not worth fixing? Like they need a checklist of what the relationship entails and then be able to determine if they want to commit or not. WHO CARES ABOUT THE FUCKING CHECKLIST. The other individual either is or is not worth keeping in one's life and once decided which, (hopefully rather promptly, and if not, that is an answer in its self, don't you think?) the individual needs to act on that decision. Sometimes there is no "riding the fence" option.

Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese

I find it really frustrating when I have an idea that I want to elaborate, but once I finally get onto blogger I can't think of the insightful post I wanted to share. Fortunately I now have blogger on my phone so sharing creativity is just a few touches away (Yes. I have the iPhone and am in love with it). 

haphazard.

It's a vicious whirlwind of a cycle and impossible to escape.

GBV lyrics never fail me, sometimes I feel like I cant relate to them without really understanding why. It's like certain phrases jump out at me and everything seems to fall into place afterwards.

No, I am not high. I just love GBV.

Hey little girl would you stop and just lay back
It's so hard to believe that you're so sad
And I know we just keep talking about it
In a swirl bunch of nothing turned inside out
I don't care what you do anymore

The line that stood out to me initially was the last one. 


In the words of T.S. Eliot... 
"Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood." 

Robert Pollard's lyrics must be genuine poetry. 

I hate the video pop ups.

Weed isn't a drug so quit acting like you a thug

social error.

I am like an overly proud parent when it comes to talking about my boyfriend. Yes, I am one of those girls. I never thought I would be, but this particular boy has made me gone completely off track. I am no longer an ice queen, and though being aware of that particular fact makes me capable of altering it, I don't want to. I know it sounds ridiculous, getting all wrapped up in someone, actually feeling like a better person because of them, etc... but it is true.

I have become one of those girls I loathed in my earlier years, that I swore that I would never become. I know enjoy sappy love stories, can express my feelings, even cry. I can let my guard down, I'm ok with someone knowing everything about me, I might even want him to...

Heartbroken.

I am crushed.
Completely broken.
What stability I did have has now been obliterated and it feels as there is no fixing me.
It seems there is no use in even attempting to.
That's not how it's supposed to be though.
I am supposed to be tough, strong, maybe even hard.
But that protects me, well supposed to.
This just confirms that I am destined to be alone.

rattled.

How does one distinguish modesty from low self esteem?
It seems to be a concept I can't grasp. Or perhaps it's my delivery, I can feel perfectly confident and at ease until someone comes up and tells me to gain some confidence. When one feels like they are already doing so, where do they go after a comment like that? For me it is clear in the other direction, paranoia and the undeniable feeling of failure strike. Confidence turns into concern and worry and then desperation, the need to look confident become more apparent and in return just making the individual appear to have less and less pride in their impression of them self. Where does one go from there?

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well.

irksome.

IT IS A SHITTY SITUATION to see your ex boyfriend is now hanging out with a girl who seems 10 times cooler then you and who is also amzingly gorgeous, with out make up. I think it is quite literally impossible to completely get over someone who was close to you at one point in your life, well impossible for me anyway, considering there is only a few I let get close enough to me to truly mean anything. They say time heals all wounds, but sometimes I find it's the opposite, time wounds all heals. Think about it.

VOID THIS. To feel like you're not over someone is an error within ones self. It means you aren't settled within and you seem to think that other person filled a gap. They filled no gap, they merely created the illusion that a part of you is gone once they are. You were completely content without that person, and you are even better without them. They did not leave a hole, but rather room to breath because they wedged them self in in the first place. Just because you chose to cram things together to make them fit does not mean they left a gaping hole once gone. I am happy to say I now know it is NOT impossible to get over someone.

Exasperated.

I have come to the conclusion that I am destined to be alone. I can’t stand people, not the same ones in large doses anyways. I am impatient, practically OCD and potentially a bit bipolar. It’s inevitable that I am not meant to be with people. I imagine that I will grow old in an amazing flat in downtown somewhere, have a physically fabulous life style, but not have any one but my loyal dog(s) to keep me company and my bed warm at night. I won’t have anyone to worry about except for myself, excluding my family members and more of acquaintances then friends to splurge on during the holidays. That is one thing I do enjoy doing, is buying people gifts, if I have the money that is. It is just so exciting to be out window shopping and then find something that suits someone you know perfectly, it’s a good feeling, it really is.

Write what you feel, don't lie

Well college feels as though it is just around the corner and quite honestly, I'm freaking out a bit. It feels as though I have made zero decisions to even help narrow down my path for the future and therefore I feel as though I'm going in circles rather then forward. But I do realize one thing, I want to become a better writer. Not because I necessarily will have that be my profession in the future, but I think being a strong writer could be quite the asset. Which lead to why I am deciding to post something up in my blog, willingly I might add, after nearly a year of neglecting it. I am going to just write and write and write until I actually feel I have achieved something of it. I once had a language arts teacher tell me that the only way to become a writer is to simply just do it. So that’s what I am doing, just doing it.

I really don’t know what I wish to do with my future, but after doing a bit of research, public relations and communication seem interesting. After all, if there is one thing I can do, its talking. Now don’t be fooled I realize there is more to it then that, but you catch my drift, hopefully.

Something I cant seem to wrap my head around is how people my age, even younger, seem to know exactly what they want to do with their life, what they want out of it. I, do not. I once contemplated just going out and exploring the world and then later becoming a teacher, that way I would be the teacher with all the cool stories. So I supposed I always have that option.

How do people decide what they want to do anyway? I wonder if most are driven by the passion they have for something, or the fact that society says they are a loser if they don't get out and have a respectable job title. Seriously, how many do you know that would accept the response of "I just do my own thing" as a desirable job title from someone they were on a blind date with. I suppose there are a handful that do find that attractive, but just like society, I'm only paying attention to the majority.

"When considering subject matter for your poetry, try to confine your main subjects to the following list: Rutabagas, Lemon Curry, Earthquakes, Tetrahedrons, The end of the world, The Donatist controversy, Particle/wave theory of light, Transverse myletis, Rogue elephants. Avoid the following subjects: Emotions, Personal journeys, Nature, Chicken Curry."
^^Is this supposed to be sarcasm??

It seems like every time something new comes out in the news, whether it's some miracle food, or the easiest way to save money, something comes out to contradict it less than a week later. What I want to know is how much the studies and things that go down really have an affect on us. Like scientists saying large levels of mercury are found in tuna so you really should only eat it once a month, how many other facts do you think contradict that?

putting age in perspective

Isn’t it kind of funny-interesting to picture our grandparents even our parents at our age? To imagine how different life was for them compared to how it is now. And then to even imagine what life is going to be like for our own kids and grandkids. I find it mind blowing on how much can change in a single year, and how fast time goes all together.

I personally have no idea what the youth is going to look like in 20 years. Some may think it’ll go all to hell and that they will have little to no morals or values, because we’re seeing that at an increasing rate today. But maybe the awareness of what is going on will spread and have the opposite effect, making everyone perfect and respecting little beings. I would personally prefer that, but I’m thinking the likeliness of that happening is pretty slim.

What is to become of future generations? I know there is the whole global warming theory and the hum of nuclear war (a very faint hum I might add.) But what will it look like? What kind of music will be coming out in 20 years? It is so weird to think that artists like Chris Brown and Rhianna are going to be considered oldies when my generation has children. What will they call what we consider as oldies now? Will the Temptations even be spoken of or in movies or commercials in 20 years? They will be considered practically ancient by then.

Then there’s fashion! What will be considered hip in 20 years? Right now it seems like nearly anything goes, it’s just how you wear it. Trends from all time eras are inspiring top designers’ newest fashion, will that just continue? Will there come a point in time when nothing is original? When it seems like just about every plausible idea has already been done and then there is no longer any creativity? And then musicians, will they really need any actual personal talent? Or just enough money to pay for all the electronics that generate their sound? Will raw talent even be admired after people see computers can do the same thing at the click of a button?

I know this is all relatively extreme, well, really extreme, but I can’t help but wonder about it. And I’m sure I am not the only to ponder such, which also happens to support the no longer any original ideas theory. But I do think that a vast amount of time will make such happen. Twenty, even fifty years sounds too short to me.

I know I have a good year before graduation, but I sincerely cannot wait for my class reunions. It will be so much fun I think to see how people change throughout the years and see what they end up doing with their lives. I don’t even know what I will be planning on doing with my life, but finding that out will be interesting as well I’d have to say.

sponge bob :)

So this is supposed to be the first sponge bob episode to be aired on television, haha and I love it. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lM79f2JrUVU

The never ending evolution of technology

sidekick.....

It seems like nearly every other week there’s some new gadget or ipod or phone or any sort of technology device. It’s impossible to keep up with it all and its impossible to always have the new thing, because the new thing most likely starts in some foreign country and by the time you pay the pricey shipping and have it delivered to your door, a week later there’s a new version of the device or something that is claimed to be better. (Like have more features, or is more durable, or whatever. )
The electronic industry is an extremely competitive field, and very fast paced. I don't think I could keep up with it. Even though, thanks to back to the future, we all thought we'd be in flying cars by now. Apparently, not the case, I'll give them another 10 years.

However what I really like about the industry today is how conservative they're trying to be. But it seems like every industry is "going green" in some way, so they would be frowned upon by everyone if they didn't.

Whats cool about technology now, is that nearly nothing is impossible, there is some scientific way to make just about anything happen. Some ideas would call for more attention then others, but still obtainable.